In yet another shocking move, President Joe Biden has demonstrated a complete disregard for public safety by pardoning a turkey with a rap sheet longer than its own wattle. The Thanksgiving tradition of sparing a turkey from the dinner table has taken a sinister turn as it has been revealed that the pardoned turkey is, in fact, a repeat violent crime offender.

This audacious act of clemency has left many Americans scratching their heads, wondering if the president’s Thanksgiving turkey selection process involves any consideration of the bird’s criminal history. It seems that even in the face of blatant fowl play, the president continues to push the limits of executive power.

Sources within the turkey community have confirmed that the pardoned bird, affectionately named “Wobble Gobble,” has been involved in a series of shocking incidents. From turf wars over breadcrumbs to ruthless pecking brawls, this turkey has left a trail of feathers and fear wherever it goes.


One witness, speaking under the condition of anonymity, reported that Wobble Gobble was the notorious ringleader behind a gang of rogue turkeys who would terrorize innocent bystanders during their evening strolls. The witness claimed that Wobble Gobble would strut around, intimidating other turkeys and bullying them out of their preferred roosting spots.

In addition to its violent tendencies, Wobble Gobble has been known to engage in some truly unruly behavior. Numerous reports have been filed about the turkey’s excessive noise-making, waking up the entire neighborhood with its incessant gobbling in the early hours of the morning. It’s no wonder the local residents have dubbed it the “Worst Alarm Clock Ever.”


One can’t help but wonder how this turkey managed to escape the clutches of justice time and time again. Was there some sort of “feathered privilege” that shielded Wobble Gobble from the consequences of its actions? Or did it simply have some powerful connections in the poultry underworld?


Critics argue that President Biden’s decision to pardon such a notorious bird sends the wrong message to both the turkey community and the general public. It undermines the rule of law and implies that violence and disorderly conduct can be overlooked if you have a nice set of tail feathers.

This turkey pardon debacle is just another example of the president’s propensity for poor judgment. Instead of focusing on important issues facing the nation, Biden seems to be prioritizing the protection of criminal turkeys. One can only speculate about the potential consequences if Wobble Gobble were to relapse into its old habits.


As the American people gather around their Thanksgiving tables this year, they should be cautious and keep an eye out for any signs of turkey-induced mayhem. While the president may have granted a pardon to Gobble Gobble, the public should not let its guard down. After all, you never know when a seemingly innocent bird might decide to turn the tables and peck you when you least expect it.


In this absurd tale of a turkey with a rap sheet, the lines between reality and satire blur. While it is true that the president traditionally pardons a turkey during Thanksgiving, the idea of the turkey being a repeat violent crime offender is, of course, purely fictional. The true purpose of this article is to entertain readers through satire and humor, poking fun at political events and the absurdity of some aspects of the world we live in.

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